The Average UK Baking Show Contestant vs. The Average US Cooking Show Contestant

British: Ian is a landscape architect and retired Navy man. He spends his free time restoring 18th century clocks, learning to play the pipe organ and embroidering floral scarves for the needy.

American: Sarah is a former chef appointed by James Beard trying to get back into the industry. Her hobbies include paying off medical debt, blaming herself for the breakdown of her marriage, and getting increasingly depressing tattoos.

British: If he wins, Ian will take home a small worthless trophy, a bouquet of tasteful flowers and the satisfaction of a job well done. And it would be a delicious surprise for her mom, who still thinks her sausage rolls will never be able to compete with hers!

American: If Sarah makes it to the final round, she’ll win a quarter million dollars and not have to let Gordon Ramsay shave his head. Winning would allow Sarah to breathe freely – the oppressive weight of failure finally lifted, at least fleetingly, from her chest. The prize money would also help him reduce the aforementioned medical debt.

British: Ian finds joy in his family, the heirloom chickens he raises for eggs and companionship, and a perfect summer tomato. His favorite dish is the humble Cornish pastry.

American: Sarah is only happy in the sweet oblivion of sleep. Her favorite food is black coffee and Soylent – she ripped out her taste buds twelve years ago in a tragic coq-au-vin accident and derives no pleasure from eating food.

British: Ian struggled the most during Caramel Week. Wet weather has done enough delicate situation with its delicate candy! His biggest personal setback during filming was when he had to miss his grandfather’s ninety-second birthday.

American: Sarah had the hardest time with the seven-course meal challenge, in which chefs had to incorporate at least four ingredients that they were actively allergic to. His biggest personal setback was not being allowed to bring him insulin on set after contestants complained it gave him an unfair advantage.

British: The other bakers have become Ian’s second family, forming a warm new community of like-minded and supportive individuals.

American: Sarah admitted that she regrets stabbing Chef Rob in the thigh with a corkscrew, even though Chef Rob is a rabid misogynist with less talent in his entire body than Sarah in each of his shriveled taste buds.

British: Ian became known for his flushed cheeks and big smile, and for always having a carpenter’s pencil tucked behind one ear.

American: Sarah’s signature look is the thirteen nicotine patches she wears to deal with the stress of competition.

British: Ian’s fondest memory of the season so far was when everyone got together to help him make his Lavender Blueberry Macarons. Her most frustrating moment came when the judges said her apple cake was “heavy” and “a little disappointing”.

American: Sarah’s favorite moment so far was when that asshole Rob dropped his duck confit on the floor after the hosts released the swarm of angry hornets. Her most upsetting memory is when the judges called her a “talentless clown” and described her chilaquiles as “an affront to God.”

British: Ian is from the picturesque village of St. Stratfordshirelet-by-the-Sea. He grew up helping his grandmother every time she cooked Sunday supper, but he only started taking his cooking seriously four years ago. He’s a relatively private person, but he revealed he has three daughters and a dog named Margaret.

American: Sarah was born and raised in Hell’s Kitchen (Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant in Las Vegas, not the Manhattan neighborhood). His first word was “vichyssoise”. She was seven years old when she lost her faith in humanity.

British: Ian’s biggest baking triumph was his three-layer Black Forest cake, which featured perfectly smooth mirror glaze. Her biggest baking failure was, oddly enough, a simple platter of brownies.

American: Sarah’s most impressive culinary feat was deboning an entire swordfish while still temporarily blinded from the pepper spray challenge. Her biggest baking failure was, oddly enough, a simple platter of brownies. ♦